you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
