You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
