its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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