What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
