I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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