walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
