i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
