i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?