Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.