cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
