dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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