I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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