we're chasing vodka with high fives
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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