he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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