Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
