i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
