On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
