Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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