His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
