Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
