He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
