I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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