who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
