Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I did not marry a roomba.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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