I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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