Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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