man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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