return my video game
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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