everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
