shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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