Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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