hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My day in three words: secret purse cake
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize