the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
