1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
