Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
