you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
