he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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