im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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