"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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