dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
