I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
