some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
it glows. i had to have it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
