need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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