New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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