Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize