did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
