No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
No subtext here. People are naked.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
