Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
