I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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