I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
