i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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