this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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