he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
