Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
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we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
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How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I need to align my fucking chakras
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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