What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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