My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
