You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
