why didn't you poke me back
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
